“There are cracks. There are cracks in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
~ Leonard Cohen
We spend our lives in search of the putty that will fill the cracks—the imperfections that exist in our being, in our lives and in our world. I have been on crack maintenance my entire life. I have been searching for the fill, the band aid that masks all of the flaws on my body, in my heart, in my relationships, in my house and on my clothes. You name it, I have tried to make it right. I have tried to fix everything that seems broken, from things to people. I have tried to cover the darkness, as if the darkness inhibits my ability to be happy, whole and true.
I have lived every day searching for something that does not and will never exist. I have spent all of my time trying to repair something that I thought was broken. I was the dog chasing her tail, in a perpetual carousel of struggle that would never end.
And then, I ripped off the band aid.
The cracks are meant to exist and never be filled. They are meant to be honored and treasured, exposed and be seen.
During lunch with a friend, we discussed relationships. She described how and why we choose our mate before we understand. Our choice is made from the desire to become what we are not, so we pick someone who is everything we are not. Once we understand, we choose someone who is our mirror, who reflects and embodies who we are. Someone who has the same fault lines we have.
We try to band aid our cracks; we try to cover our cracks with people to create a barrier between what we are, and what we think we should be. We do this because we think that perfection can and should be attained. We believe it is within our grasp to be flawless.
What is flawless?
The closest thing we have to flawlessness is nature. The Grand Canyon, for example, is one of the most majestic creations in the world, and what is it? A giant crack.
People visit this giant crack every day from all over the world to marvel at this vast gaping hole in the Earth. It is possibly the greatest flawed perfection human eyes have ever witnessed. If the water and wind had never pulsed through the rock, we would not know it as the Grand Canyon. Without your cracks, you wouldn’t be. The erosion of life lived etches uniqueness into our skin all the way through, to our hearts.
We would not be human; we would not know this existence without our wrinkles, lines, holes, cuts and scars. We would not know love without the punctures of resentment and hate. We would not know pure joy without the pit of sorrow. We would not appreciate health without the fractures of sickness.We would not know happiness without the searing slice of suffering.
We learn how to live within the cracks. The cracks are where we find ourselves. Our cracks absorb and radiate light. They are the peep hole to the inside, so we can see our spirit. Our cracks lead the way, guiding others to see in, to see us.
The light creeps in and we journey right back to where we start, exactly the same and completely different. Exactly the same, we are who we are, nothing changes. We are fated as we are, cracks and all. Completely different, because we understand that there is absolutely nothing to cover.
I sit here with the scars on my body, the laugh lines on my face, the breaks in my heart, the broken dishwasher at home, the crayon doodles on my couch, and the moth hole in my shirt. Today, I acknowledge I am perfectly cracked; I have nothing to cover anymore.