Yesterday, I cleaned out my entire garage.
I lifted heavy boxes on and off the shelves. I loaded rolls of old carpets into my car and hauled them to the dumpster. I swept. I reorganized, and then, I put it all back together—by myself.
I do almost everything by myself—I snake the drains, fix things around the house, hang pictures, patch and paint when necessary. I do the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, as well as maintaining my jobs outside of my home, study for my master’s degree, and tend to my most important job as the mother of my two children.
I burn the candle on both ends every day, yet I am settled and content in my life. I am blessed with dear friends with whom I spend my free time, and I have a great vibrator that does the trick when I’m in the mood.
I don’t need you. I don’t need a man.
But I want you. I want a partner.
I want to be in love and have someone to go on walks and bike rides with, someone to watch movies with, and make love with.
In my experience, a man needs to be needed by his partner. If you’re looking for someone who nods at your requests, laughs at all of your jokes, doesn’t know how to use a wrench or change a tire, avoids confrontation and strokes your ego faster than Phelps in the pool, well, then turn around and walk the other way, because I’m not that type of girl.
If you’re reading this sentence, then you’re still intrigued. You must want to know, how do you love a woman who says she doesn’t need you, while still receiving what you need in the relationship?
How do we love each other well, while honoring our own needs?
I don’t have the answers, but I can at least help you understand what a woman who says she doesn’t need a man, needs from a man in a relationship:
1. Don’t fight me; free me.
I do have needs in a relationship, and the most important one is feeling free. I need to feel like I’m still my independent and powerful self. I need to know that I can clean out the garage, take out the trash and snake the drains without emasculating you.
I had an ex-boyfriend who couldn’t stand the fact that I did the “manly” things around the house. It became a point of contention. He felt like he wasn’t fulfilling his duties as a man because I wouldn’t let him do the things that I’ve been doing for years. What he didn’t want to acknowledge was that I was doing these things because I’ve had no other choice, and no one to help me, and even if I did have help, it wouldn’t matter because I enjoy doing those things.
I love manual labor. I love keeping a home and tending to its broken parts, and accomplishing even the most mundane of tasks; I find it meditative and fulfilling.
I hope you will understand and appreciate that I am not trying to control you; rather this is part of who I am and what I like to do. It is imperative before you decide to love me, that you accept me for who I am and what I do because it’s a sure bet, I will never change. Plan on being stuck with this woman, not the woman you hope I will become.
Tell me if I’m wrong, but I think that a strong man doesn’t need to do manly things to prove he is a man because he is secure with himself to the core, past the testosterone and the testicles. Like an oak tree, he is rooted and steadfast in who he is, despite the conditions he faces.
However, relationships are about compromise, so if you really love taking out the trash, let’s alternate. Let’s share the responsibility. That is something I can do.
2. Be the alpha in the bedroom.
Have you noticed the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey? The movie sold out four weeks prior to opening night at the theater near my house. Do you know why?
Women want to be controlled—let’s not get into the psychopathology of it, let’s just agree that one of the reasons for its cult like following is due to the fact that women have a fantasy of being taken and dominated.
Let me say this as clearly as possible: I am one of those women. I want to be taken. Please take me, caveman style—pick me up, throw me over your shoulder, toss me on the bed and fuck me.
I want you to take me because I trust you and I love you. I’ll do whatever you want. I want to be bossed around. Tell me, “Get on your knees. Ride me. Suck me harder.” That turns me on.
The alpha females of the world, when asked, will tell you they desire to be the beta in bed. So, if you don’t like that I take out the trash, this is where you can make up for it, take me to bed instead, and reign over me.
3. Don’t bother loving me, if you don’t accept me.
The woman who doesn’t need a man is a piece of work, a handful, a mother fucking mack truck with a voice louder than a sonic boom, a heart with more passion than Mt. Vesuvius, and a wickedly brilliant brain that would give Einstein a boner.
Let’s get something straight, right now—I’m never going to shut up. There is no silencing me. I want to talk about everything and confront the issues head on. I will not be passive. I will not give in. I want solutions and resolutions. I am fierce. I am intense. If you are going to love me, you must be ready and up for the challenge.
Another need I do have if I am in a relationship is, I must be met by a partner who is an equal, who doesn’t crumble and run under pressure, otherwise I will steamroll you (un-intentionally). My voice can destroy the walls, the floor and your heart, if you aren’t prepared. I go deep, all the way down, and if you aren’t receptive to that, I will crush you with my thoughts and feelings.
If you are going to love a woman who doesn’t need you, you have to show up, naked, ready to share it all. I want you—no, I need you—to stand up to me, not in a “defensive, sword drawn ready to behead me” type of way, but in a “respectful, honest, dueling perspective” kind of way, and if you are kind in delivery, I will listen to you.
We must learn to spar cleanly, effectively and sweetly. I am choosing to be with you, which means that I want to talk, argue or debate with you because I genuinely want to understand you and build our relationship. Please remember this.
4. Don’t give up on me.
Underneath the feminist bravado is a sensitive being who needs to be loved like everyone else.
I may declare that I don’t need you, but I do. I need a witness to this life I live, and the ebb and flow of pain, happiness, joy and sorrow that washes over me in every experience. I need a warm hug at the end of the day, and an open ear ready to listen. Beneath the armor of autonomy is a child who needs what every child needs—to be seen and understood.
Please don’t give up on me. If you don’t give up, I will let you in, and over time, I’ll start leaning on you and asking you to take out the trash, because I know from what you’ve shown me, in action, that you’re not going anywhere and it’s ok to be soft. It’s safe to bear my weaknesses. It’s safe to ask you for help.
It’s safe to let you love me because I love you so much that maybe, just maybe I’ll admit that there are many things in this world I want, but only one thing I need, my best friend, and hopefully, someday that just may be, you.