Yesterday, I got myself into a little pickle; I lied.
Someone at the office asked a favor of me: to watch their dog over the three day weekend. I’d just gotten off a business call; I was distracted, caught off guard and saying no didn’t appear to be an option.
I hesitantly said yes even though my heart said no. I had a vision for this weekend, a weekend all to myself. Maybe I’ll drive to the mountains or hole up and write what’s been scripting itself in my head.
Yet, when someone asks for help without warning or an optional way out, guilt floods in and I don’t want to turn them away.
Although, what good does it do to do a good deed that you don’t really want to do?
Martyrdom is narcissism dressed in the dowdy outfit of self-sabotage. Helping is giving and giving is only received completely if the intention is true.
If saying yes to others to try and save their day is a sacrifice of your wellbeing, then the action becomes nothing more than a betrayal of one’s self, and another tile added to one’s superficial façade that the world believes to be true.
What a shame it would be to go through life acting dishonestly and therefore, unknown.
Why couldn’t I just say ‘no’? Well, I don’t want to disappoint. I want to be kind and I don’t want to be disliked. The narcissistic martyr in me said: if I don’t help, their trip will be ruined. (Cough, under breath) Bullshit.
I’m not that powerful.
That’s right, I’m not that powerful when I deceive myself, and others. My power resides in my ability to be honest and forthright. Saying no, would have dispelled the guilt and shed the façade.
But, how would saying no be received?
That’s not my problem; the other person can take the no and do with it what they want. My job is to supervise my reactions and responses, to send them through the truth filter and then match my actions to my visceral intentions.
I wish I could go back to yesterday: “No, I won’t be able to watch your dog.” No explanation, just the naked truth.
I live; I learn. Next time…~Rebecca