Thank You For Staying Put.

“Thank you for staying put…”

The whole universe might as well have given a standing ovation in that moment: “Yay! She finally got the fucking point! Yay! She didn’t run away for once! She didn’t shut her out!”

She and I are partners in business. We share a space and a vision, independently and together.

We came together for business and swiftly unearthed a friendship. One of our mutual friends called us peanut butter and jelly. For a while, it was all unicorns shitting rainbows, until the clouds of reality and responsibility rolled in.

We had a rough go of it for a few months.

We didn’t have any legal obligation to one another; either one of us could have said, “Fuck off” at any time, but we didn’t.

We stayed put and we got through it, to the other side: where the unicorn comes to visit every once in a while and the clouds pass through on occasion.

This is a departure from my usual behavior: whenever things get uncomfortable, I default to hiding and/or running away.

I’ve got a big ego. A narcissist? Sure, I’ll give it a label.

It’s either my way or the highway, not always, but more often than not.

Leaving and hiding are my addictions, however, one day at a time, I’m trying to change my behavior and remain exposed and present.

I’m trying to stay put. It’s so fucking hard.

I met someone a little over a month ago. We’ve gotten to know each other slowly and all at once. I’m fighting it. It’s like my whole being is in withdrawal, from not running and not hiding.

I’m trying to stay in this body, in this connection with him, but I’m so uncomfortable; it’s excruciating at times.

I’ve tried to cut our heartstrings several times, and he lets me. He even passes me the scissors. He just stands there and goes about his business as I flit around, and then I get tired and I come back and I hand him my string and he knots them back together.

He doesn’t waiver. He stays put.

He wouldn’t be here, in my life, if I wasn’t capable of doing the same, and I am, and he knows it.

He believes in me and hopefully, maybe, just like my peanut butter and jelly friend, we’ll look back and thank each other for staying put. ~Rebecca

 

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