Confetti dressed in lyrics rained on the crowd at the Adele concert last night. These words fell at my feet:
Regrets and mistakes they’re memories made…it matters how this ends.
I made a huge mistake earlier in the day. The mistake occurred shortly after I wrote a post about being kind, ironically.
What a fraud am I?
The unraveling from good mom to “if someone were watching this they’d either call CPS or punch me in the face” mom happened quickly.
I was overwhelmed.
Getting out of the house is a miracle when everyone is behaving and in a good mood; throw a tantrum in there, and it all goes to shit.
The difficult thing about having more than one child is that they all tend to get blamed for one another’s misbehavior. It’s not fair, but it happens.
I lost it.
I said things.
I made them cry.
And as it was happening, I was thinking:
Stop! Just stop! It’s enough. They get it. They know. Apologize! Apologize! You’re horrible! Shame on you! You’re the mother.
I finally stopped.
I pulled over.
We got out of the car.
I hugged them.
I wiped their tears.
They went to school, excited for the day, but my heart was heavy. It felt like I soaked up all the regret in the history of the human race. I had trouble functioning yesterday.
What damage did I cause? I don’t know exactly, but I had to do something to mend it.
I wrote them each a letter.
I sat and had a conversation with them, in their absence.
I repented, but I still felt destroyed over my behavior.
There are days I want to turn in my mom badge, not because I don’t love my children, because, I don’t feel I deserve to be in this role. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing; yet, I’m responsible for two precious lives?
Yesterday is now a memory: mistakes, regrets and all.
The day ended well. I picked them up and they got in the car with smiles on their faces. They read their letters. I cradled their resilience and asked for forgiveness.
They told me I’m the best mommy ever and they meant it, probably because they don’t know any different.
Or, maybe I am?
Maybe I’m a mom who is just doing the best she can and they know that. It’s time I accept that, too.
When I got home from the concert, I checked my email:
I heard your audio text when I got back from an errand just before. You’re probably with the girls now. My heart goes out to you since I know the pain of guilt (as a parent) when you do or don’t do, say or don’t say the “right” thing…in our minds of course. We love our children more than anything and we want to do/say everything perfectly so we won’t screw them up. We also “know” we’re in fact, not perfect and that is hard to accept when things “go awry”.
Your girls know you love them and you’re willing to apologize and tell them you made a mistake…even when parents wait years to say they are sorry, it goes a long way. I know they will feel your love come through and they are old enough to take in that we all make mistakes. It’s a terrific lesson. Keeping the lines of communication open is so important too, and that is precisely what you are doing… I love you and am always here for you, Mama