Write Love Then Leave. {Poem}

I sat on my bed with the door wide open

Anticipating

I watched the clouds roll in slowly and then all at once

Like a distant train

I couldn’t squeeze on the one before

So I’m stuck waiting for the next one to arrive

I believe it before I hear it

Metal on metal

Air on air sounds the same

Mashing, clashing

A liquid threat

Fear of what’s next

I’m more scared of the present–

Drowning in constraint

Kidnapped and held captive

By my mistakes

I’ve made peace within this prison

The sun is always shining outside

I can feel it

Warming the mortar

Sometimes it sneaks in through the bars, the cracks

And for a moment, I become it–radiant

A source of illumination, a beacon

Until it goes again–

Eclipsing and everything goes cold

My heart becomes brittle

Flaking all over the place

Dusting the soil with grief

The residue of loss

My hands cripple

As the walls of faith crumble

Like paint mixed with time

Shredded youth

Hours are the perpetrator

So was he–

I wish I’d never met him

It’s been quite a while

Yet, like the aftermath of a hurricane

Structure is not easily rebuilt

The haunted rubble remains

Every time I rest my pads on the keys, I hear his voice:

When are you going to stop writing about the same thing over and over again?

What else is there? I asked

I might as well stop breathing

 

I’ve given birth hundreds of times by now

Each child passes through me

I love them equally

I can’t imagine my life without them in it

I remember every labor

The ache of the first word

The sharp pains of the first sentence

The fire of the first paragraph

And the relief of the delivery

Some came fast

Some slow

Some nearly killed me

But they all survived

I did, too

Each one, an authentic spirit

With a shared soul and the same first name–

Love lost

Love gained

Love broken

Love empty

Love confused

Love left

Love shared

Love made

Love fucked

Love betrayed

It’s all I know–

These children of mine

And their love of life

Their life of love

To them, for them,

I dedicate every single day

In pleasure and pain

I will keep writing over and over about the same

Cause that’s all there is

This journey of theirs

I will document as I sit here awaiting the train

That’ll take me away one day

And hopefully, when I depart

The world will have gained. ~Rebecca

 

 

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